No. 5

Oh fuck. Never did post that print.

But it is on the website now. I will probably share it tomorrow. Or later today. Either way, it is there.

Tomorrow I leave for my first tour as the Stage Manager of Hamburg Ballet. We are heading to a small town in the south of Germany, one I know well. I have been going there for over fifteen years, but this time feels different. The work feels more intricate. The performances carry more weight. I am trying to keep everything balanced while still learning as I go. I am not sure if I feel excited or just on edge. Maybe both. The performances keep growing in complexity, and there is a strange kind of silence that comes with that pressure. But it will be alright. It always is in the end.

What I do know is that I will have more time. Time in my own head. Time away from the people I love. The kind of time that can stretch out or collapse in on itself depending on how the days go. I want to use it well. Maybe more drawings will come. Maybe new work. At the very least, I would like to stay connected to the project I started with No Snow in May, even if just through these posts.

Sometimes I wonder whether a good life gets in the way of good work. Not because I want it to, but because when things are going well, the questions feel softer. I do not go searching as much. And for me, art often begins in the search. It is how I process things, how I figure out what I feel. So when life feels okay, I sometimes make less. Not because I am lazy, but because there is less urgency to explain things to myself.

Still, I do not believe that sadness is the only place art can come from. I hope it is not. I want to learn how to make work from steadiness too. From peace, even if it is new and unfamiliar. That myth about the tortured artist, the one who only creates when things are falling apart, is tired. I would like to prove it wrong. Or at least keep trying. I have always found the most interesting work comes from people with layered personalities. Not easy to read. Not always easy to like. The kind of people who in today’s world might get labelled as difficult. And maybe I am drawn to that because I find their work honest. But I am also figuring out how to make something meaningful without needing to be difficult myself.

Let’s see what this tour brings. I will check in again next week. Maybe I will have something new to show. Maybe just new thoughts. Either way, I will be here.

Thanks for stepping in.

Song of my week:

There Is Something on Your Mind

by Big Jay McNeely